Conspicuously missing from this year's list of Nobel Prize winners is the name of Dr. Conrad Binky VII, a noted biologist, inventor, and holder of the patent for the Binky Elm (ulmus binky). The last four generations of the Binky family have dedicated themselves to the development of less expensive and more effective means of keeping infants content. Known for their innovative use of new materials, colors, designs, Binky, Inc. holds a 57% share of the worldwide pacifier market. They are the leading producer of adult pacifiers and the only such product endorsed by PIP (Practioners of Paraphilic Infantilism), whose members display behaviors that involve role-playing a regression to an infant-like state.
Interviewed at the corporate headquarters in a suburb of Citra, Florida, Dr. Binky described the rationale and process behind the creation of the Binky Elm. "Some years back, my great-grandfather, Conrad Binky IV had the idea to put a Binky in every baby's mouth, no matter where they were in the world. Over the next two generations, my grandfather and father worked tirelessly to bring that idea to fruition. Knowing that many people do not have access to stores and live in challenging climates, we had a lot of seemingly insurmountable obstacles to overcome. Fortunately, with a name like Binky, we're used to dealing with disadvantages. It was my uncle, Dr. Luther Burbank Binky, who is a botanist, that came up with the concept of growing our product on trees, so he gets a lot of credit for the Binky Elm," stated Binky.
"For the past 32 years Luther and I have worked tirelessly in the lab along with the rest of the creative minds at Binky, Inc. to develop a tree that could flourish in all climates...hot, cold, dry, wet...and bear pacifiers as a fruit and this year we achieved that goal with the Binky Elm. Regardless of the weather, our tree grows 8 feet a year to a maximum height of 40 feet and with a minimum output of 230 pacifiers during each of its three growing seasons. It's anticipated that seeds from our trees will be carried by birds and deposited in places that have been barren for centuries. With a resistance to all known arboreal diseases, it's easy to imagine the planet covered with Binky Elm trees. Think of it as a benevolent version of kudzu. We'll be providing shade for everyone and contentment to babies everywhere. I know great-grandfather is looking down on us and smiling. He might even have one of our adult pacifiers in his mouth," Binky concluded.
